Not going to lie, it's been a trying couple of months for me. Recently I've come to realise the fact that I'm not perfect (obviously, I know but it only finally hit me), and that I have faults which are hard for me to come to terms with. It's been wreaking havoc in my mind over the past few days, making me think if certain situations came to be that way due to issues with my personality. Sometimes I guess my anxiety just gets the best of me and I start to speed up, working at a superhuman pace that others can't keep up to. I used to think that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but really what's the point of living in a world with other people when you're off in your own world by yourself right? Anyway, due to this situation there were many confrontations and negative (but constructive) criticisms that came out of it. After going through stages of shock and denial, I'm slowly trying to use my own methods to come to terms with my faults, letting go of the past and trying to incorporate all the advice I've received into a solid direction for me to move forward towards. But it's definitely much harder that I thought, and I'm not gonna lie-it's an internal struggle that has caused more than a few tears and a hell of a lot of frustration with myself in the process.
Nothing seems to be really helping to make it go away-not even really Chinese music, which has helped me through so many hard times previously. I was beginning to give up, resigned to lolling around in bed and watching endless useless YouTube tutorials until those feelings and memories of bad experiences suppressed themselves enough to make me feel better, until I rediscovered JJ Lin's duet with Jason Mraz called "I am Alive". Nothing was able to truly make me feel better except this song. It encompasses everything I feel right now; helpless in a dynamic and changing environment where I am no longer in control, trying my best but still failing so many time that it's cumulated into a feeling of loneliness. But despite its softness in approach, the lyrics and simple and strong, telling me that I DO have what it takes to hold on. It affirmed me in a way that no one could, comforting me by embracing me heart and soul. It tells me that I am brave and strong, loveable and invincible. Essentially, it was just what I needed to get up and keep on trying. Personally, I think it's the perfect coalescence of JJ and Mraz's personalities in this song which did it for me; JJ's optimism and drive, and Mraz's serenity and stability. As I write this, I can honestly say I'm not 100% better yet. But that's okay, because I'm still alive, and I'll get through this. For anyone out there having a hard day, this message and this song is for you. I hope you feel better soon.
It's been my dream since I started getting to know more about Chinese music to be able to live in Taipei, and now I'm finally going to be able to! Starting from the 11th of February, I will be staying in Taipei for 139 days and hope to share parts of my experiences that may be helpful with readers everywhere! (Feb 2014)